As a therapist, I often see families caught in the storm of conflict and power struggles. It’s a natural part of any family dynamic, yet it’s how we choose to address these moments of discord that can either lead to deeper rifts or strengthen the familial bonds. This is where the profound work of Haim Omer on Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) comes into play, providing a framework for parents to maintain authority through presence and connection rather than coercion or aggression (Omer, 2004). And within this framework, the concept of ‘relational gestures’ is a fundamental element, acting as a beacon of hope in turbulent times.
Relational gestures are small yet significant acts of kindness, empathy, and connection that parents can offer to their children, especially when facing challenging behaviors. They are important because they serve as a nonviolent response to aggression, a way of maintaining a connection without condoning negative behavior.
It’s a means to say, “I am here, I care, and I am not going anywhere,” even when the situation is challenging.
NVR
Peter Jakob, a prominent figure in adapting NVR to different cultural contexts, particularly emphasizes the role of these gestures in maintaining a non-escalatory stance in the parent-child relationship (Jakob, 2010).The application of relational gestures can take various forms and should be tailored to the individual child and situation. Here are some practical ways parents can use relational gestures in everyday life, inspired by the work of Omer, Weinblatt, and Jakob:
Active Engagement: Take an interest in your child’s interests. Whether it’s a video game, a book, or a sport, showing curiosity and willingness to engage can be a powerful relational gesture (Jakob, 2010).
Consistent Presence: Ensuring that you are emotionally and physically available for your child sends a strong message of reliability and love, a key aspect of Jakob’s adaptation of NVR (Jakob, 2010).
Recognition of Effort: Celebrate the small victories and efforts, not just achievements. This can boost your child’s self-esteem and promote a positive atmosphere at home.
Family Rituals: Establishing family rituals, such as a weekly game night or daily dinner time, can create a sense of belonging and togetherness (Weinblatt, 2016).
Space for Dialogue: Create opportunities for open dialogue, where children can express themselves without fear of immediate reprimand or judgment. This practice is closely aligned with Jakob’s work on communication within NVR (Jakob, 2010).
Jakob (2010) suggests that the essence of these gestures is not found in their grandiosity but in their authenticity and consistency. They should not be grand gestures used to manipulate the child’s behavior but rather genuine expressions of the parent’s commitment to the relationship.
Incorporating relational gestures into the parenting approach doesn’t negate the need for setting boundaries or addressing harmful behavior. Rather, it complements these actions by ensuring that the child always feels valued and loved. Omer (2004) and Jakob (2010) both assert that the non-violent stance is not a passive one; it’s an active commitment to resist harm while simultaneously fostering connection.
In weaving together the insights from Omer, Weinblatt, and Jakob, we find a cohesive approach to parenting that honors the child’s need for guidance alongside their need for connection. It’s about finding balance and harmony in the parenting journey, a challenge that relational gestures can greatly assist with.
To the parents navigating the choppy waters of raising children, I encourage you to explore these concepts further and perhaps, integrate relational gestures into your daily interactions with your children. The work of Haim Omer, Uri Weinblatt, and Peter Jakob offers a compassionate and powerful framework that can truly transform the family environment.
References:
Omer, H. (2004). Non-violent resistance: A new approach to violent and self-destructive children. Cambridge University Press.
Weinblatt, U. (2016). Parental presence: Reclaiming a leadership role in bringing up our children. Weinblatt & Sons.
Jakob, P. (2010). Non-violent resistance in practice: To launch an NVR action or not, that is the question. In Non-Violent Resistance Innovations in Practice.